Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The Burning Ache

It's like fire, consuming, greedy for more to burn and yet purifying at the same time. Painful, yet beautiful...harmful yet benefical.  Fire. The only way to get beauty from ashes. To get ashes you have to burn.

My burning has been going on for nearly 10 years now, though the fire is much more subdued and at times I am almost convinced, out. But, there always seems to be one little ember still alive, still fighting to blaze.

The heart issue, because isn't that what it always is, comes to control...I need to surrender control in the area of having children. It's a tangled mess of emotions this ache. And it's not even really about having more kids....or not wanting the ones I have been so graciously blessed with.

It's having absolutely no say in the matter. God has divinely intervened in the area of reproduction and child having and I am still in a battle over my will against His. It aches. A lot.

I feel the urge to defend the children I have, try to convince everyone that I am competely happy, smitten and thankful for each of them because I truly am, while I try to heal this wound in my heart that will not be well. My children and the way each of them came into our home and hearts has nothing to do with the continuing ache....it's a matter of my faith, my trust and my surrender to God. He has chosen to not give us liberty in this area of our lives. And I need to be okay with that. I want to be okay with that.

But I'm not. I struggle. I burn. I want my way. And yet...I don't.  So I will continue the fight of faith, that through the fire God is still purifying to prove my faith, to make be beautiful. And though what the world terms infertility, I will re-name and call God's mysterious grace....because through infertility I have 3 amazing blessings.

And so if I ache, I will ache giving thanks....because we all need His fire to burn away ourselves so we can one day see Him.

5 comments:

Elena said...

thanks for sharing, in complete honesty. Your children are so beautiful, and they are lucky to have a mama who strives to grow in the Lord.

Cheryl said...

My heart goes out to you. I have come to understand that it is okay to have the ache, because it means that your desires for children are righteous and God-given. The trick is to find the peace, even with the ache, that only God can give, when we align our will with His. Lay everything at the feet of the Savior, and He will heal you and give you beauty for ashes. Hugs to you!

Jennifer Scull said...

oh Leah, it is so hard to be human some days. and we each have our mountain.... never for one moment doubt it. yours is the desire for children that come from your own body. mine is the desire for good health. how I would love to be able to leave my house, go to church, and not return home knowing it will take me weeks to recover from the illnesses and other things I endure for that one short trip. but God knows our hearts and our burdens. and He weeps with us. just as He holds us when the tears fall, He smiles and laughs when we rejoice.

your prayers are not falling on deaf ears. and you are not alone in this journey. many friends walk beside you. and you are loved.

sending hugs to help you along. :)

ells said...

beautiful...I know this pain...the struggle of not being in control...having babies...losing babies...yes..each of these aches...become beauty for ashes...
Blessings as you struggle...finding rest in Him...

Emily said...

So glad I went looking for pictures of your precious little ones, I found a bit of your heart. Thank you for sharing. And you nailed it. I agree. It's control. I get most angry at pregnant women who talk about their fertility and family planning as though they are completely in control. I want to very ungraciously scream at them and remind them that really they are not! Who knows what tomorrow may hold? I pray that you could give thanks in this ache, this unfulfilled desire, and let it remind you that He alone is the only person, the only thing, that can fill that ache. That He is in control. That He is good.

So glad we got fly to africa together!